Why in my film career have I trusted many people Who ends up being quitters. Is it me or them? I don’t get it. You can’t just not respond when there is a production being planned. Ughhhhhh.
So I had my chance at love. It was wonderful and I want it back, but I can’t because nobody would really actually “walk a thousand miles to just see you tonight. Duhduhduh duhduhduh duh, doodle doo doo.” And that seemed to be our problem.
So now single again, I don’t really give a fuck about being in a relationship, or men for that matter. I generally just have no interest. It’s pointless. It hurts. Its annoying. I just don’t believe that anyone will ever be able to handle both me and the other side of me that comes out every other week. Either that or they won’t want to move to California one day ever.
So in my mind, it’s a big deal when I slow down and say, woah, someone is interested in me. He’s not the ideal candidate to fit my small tight particular standards…. But I might as well put my guard down, put my vulnerable hat on, open up my mind, and crush or what have you….
And a few weeks later they lose interest. What a waste of a mind war.
It’s cool how a simple blog vent can calm me down… Either that or I got my prescription back. Idk. Either way, one of them work, or they both work together. Who knows. Man I can’t wait to go home, tune out, and find some sort of happiness. Somewhere in this world.
It’s just one of those days where I absolutely hate everything. This morning I was so happy. Was in the mood to start exercising again, and happy with my job. And all the sudden just an overpowering negative energy entered the room. A simple slap on the wrist for being 5 minutes late too often has thrown me into a tornado of grump. On my way down the long hall of Walgreens, I could imagine all of the horrible things the good part of my brain was holding me back from doing. The urge to start a domino effect for the shelves kicked in. I wanted to yell fuck everything. But I didn’t. Cause I had that rocking back and fourth feeling knowing that soon, ill be back on my meds, and my mind won’t be this much of a dramatic mess. Oh the scenes I want to cause, oh the things I want to say. It’s much too powerful. My life can easily be ruined by a negative person.
Marrakech, February 2013